I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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