adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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