Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my shit smells like andre
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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