I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
