Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
