I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
