I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She announced her abortion via fbk
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
