The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
