A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize