At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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