I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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