Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
