census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
