No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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