I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
