Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
