There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
