He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Someone came in the potted fern
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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