ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
