i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I was not drunk enough for that final.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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