either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
