There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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