Your face is a jimmy john
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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