he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
