he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
