The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
