Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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