I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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