I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
