I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
