Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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