we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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