worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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