mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
