Your face is a jimmy john
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize