Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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