I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
