I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
