about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
