i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
