its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
