Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
