i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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