3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
