Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
My balls are so social today.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
