He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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