if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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