what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize