ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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