Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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