Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
