Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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