I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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