soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
