i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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