There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
