I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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