when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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