If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I am midnight drunk by noon
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
