i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize