I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
