I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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